#MeToo

Let’s talk sexual assault. And sexual harassment. And all that yucky, non-consenting sexual stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable just because I’m bringing it up.

Because Me Too. But not only me too, because it’s her too, and her too, and probably even him too.

A few days ago I posted Me Too on a social media platform, without any elaboration, just to see what sort of reaction I would get. Because I wanted to add my voice to the conversation despite being too afraid to share my story. Besides, I didn’t feel like I owed my story to anyone anyway. (And you don’t owe your story to anyone either. Just know that whenever or if ever you do feel ready to come forward, there’s a whole community of people believing and supporting you.)

I’ll admit that I was a coward, but seeing the countless other women I know share their stories on another social media platform, and seeing the overwhelming support being poured out and shared around, gave me the courage to speak out.

I wish I only had a story to share, or maybe just two. But sadly, the truth is I have too many stories to share. Which one do you want to hear about? That time a stranger sprung a kiss on me then darted away laughing with his friends, despite me being surrounded by my male and female friends? Or what about the time I was relentlessly pulled to dance with a few different men in turns, despite struggling to resist them with all my weight? Or when a guy friend took “No” to mean “try harder,” and after a few tries warned me that I would regret my decision? Or when we were under the influence and another friend didn’t feel like he needed to keep his hands to himself? Or that time I ended up locked in a room with a man who had authority over me and a body size way larger than mine, and was forced to play nice and let him kiss me and grope me and caress me and rub himself against me?

That last one still makes my skin crawl.

I wish I was the exception, but I know that’s not true. Almost every other female that I know have been sexually harassed at least once. We’re the normal, and this “normal” is anything but.

Because I have a friend who was stopped by men who proceeded to lift her by the groin and held her in the air despite all her screaming and struggling.

And another friend who got propositioned by a male friend in our group despite never having shown an ounce of interest, and was at best, only civil towards him.

And one more friend who had a stranger stick his hand up her dress on a crowded public transport.

Let’s not forget all the times we’ve all been cat called on the streets or told to put on some makeup or my favorite, “smile because it makes you look prettier”.

I’ve spent a quarter of my life abroad, and I can easily say that sexual harassment is something that is truly nondiscriminatory. That stranger or friend or acquaintance truly does not care about your race or age or the way you dress.

A lot of the times we keep silent because we don’t want to rock the boat or because of victim shaming. If at any point during your read of this article the thought of “yeah, but what were you/she wearing at the time?” ever crossed your mind, you’re part of the problem. Yes, I’m calling you out.

What a girl does (or does not) wear doesn’t matter. I could be walking topless down the street, and it doesn’t entitle anyone to sexually harass me. Girls are already doing so much to try and protect themselves. Well, I think it’s high time that boys/men are held accountable for their actions. Teach your fathers (there are a lot of lecherous old men out there) and uncles and sons and brothers and friends to be better. Because that predatory behavior is unacceptable. Not in the past, not now, and certainly not in the future.

At the end of the day we’re all human beings. And I believe that everyone, male and female, deserve to be treated decently and with respect.

The Tates.

That's what I'm calling 'em. Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum. They're the Tatums. Tates for short. And I love them (not only because saying tates remind me of potates).

Can you believe Step Up came out in 2006? That's 10 years ago babe. TEN years.

Yeah. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Ten years ago I was in Sec 3. Kinda starting to get into ballet despite having learned it for about 10 years already at that point. And by "get into", I mean really enjoy and appreciate it. I think it really started with Step Up the movie. It was the coolest fusion of ballet and modern that I've ever seen.

Step Up will always be my number one dance movie. It ranks higher than Center Stage and all the myriad of dance movies I've seen. I'm talking Grease, Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Saturday Night Fever, Flash Dance, Top Hat, Brigadoon etc; Take The Lead, Shall We Dance, Strictly Ballroom, Save The Last Dance etc; Billy Elliot, White Nights, The Red Shoes, Black Swan etc; Chicago, Moulin Rougue, Singing in the Rain, Burlesque, A Chorus Line, All That Jazz, West Side Story etc; Dance Flick, Stomp, Honey, Fame, Bring It On, Magic Mike and Step Up 2, 3, 4 etc.

The 2006 Step Up will always hold a special place in my heart.


I mean, who didn't try out the 8-count routine Jenna so graciously recited for us? Step knee, step fan, and turn(en dehors), ball-change, contract.

JDT would've been my idol/hashtag goals if 15 year old me knew of those things.

And then Channing. Man, Channing.

The first time he asked JDT what the hell was a pique I was like "This dude is so real. JDT's character definitely needs him in her life. Preach."

I'm pretty certain he chaine-d his way into her heart. Like literally just barge right into her heart and set up shop there. Go watch his chaines. Seriously. They are lethal. Like his hands/arms almost took her out. She was defenceless against him and his assault.

Getting her to show him how to coupe was just another way to dismantle her defences. He's smart that way.

And when he pas de chat. Oh man his PDC. If getting her to choose him as a dance partner (because hello hotness plus muscles and lifting abilities) was the hook, and his lethal chaines were the line, his pas de chat would be the sinker. I mean, when she laughed at him, her fate was sealed. After that point she had to go after him to apologise for laughing at his (hilariously atrocious and very monkey-like) PDC, she was a goner. That was the Tates' (more like their characters') fate sealed in ink.

His adorable pirouettes was akin to frosting on a cupcake. Before his pirouettes, the Tates (their characters) were just a boring muffin. But his pirouettes. They brought the muffin to another level. Because when you add frosting, the boring old muffin becomes a cupcake.

But that wasn't enough. No. He attended her ballet class and pissed off this tiny little girl in one of the most adorkable scenes ever. BAM. Funfetti sprinkles on the cupcake.

I am in diabetic shipper heaven.


And here we are now. Ten years later and the Tatums opened the new season of Lip Sync Battle.

JDT was flawless lip syncing to Paula Abdul's song because hello. That girl knew all the words and could execute the dance moves to perfection. Perfection I tell you.

See, you get a whole different quality of performance when you get real dancers to dance and stuff.

Channing in Elsa's dress. Can I just say there were moments when I thought he would trip on the train of the dress, but he spins like a pro and obviously the dress train never caught on anything.

Doing a Beyonce number is kinda cheating because Beyonce songs are such crowd pleasers. But yeah okay, Channing can dance and shake his butt, and it was extremely entertaining. Because of the amazing dancing. The dancing was on point, ya know?

HOWEVER.

JDT already stole the show for me when she did her hubbie's Magic Mike routine to the song Pony. I mean. I just have no words. I loved every. single. part. of. the. routine. I loved each part more than the previous as the whole thing unfolded.
And that lap dance. OMG. See, that's the kind of lap dance you can get on tv when it's a married couple involved. I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this sort of sexy dancing was a normal routine in the Tatum household.

So there you go. JDT and CT are basically married dancer couple goals.

2AM brain

Hello 2016.

A lot less of "that new year new me" bullshit going on this year. Either that or I've gotten really good at skimming through social media without even noticing those posts.

What I have been seeing, borderline-annoyingly frequently, is all the "this year i'm going to love myself" bullshit. Good job there. Your new year "resolution" is to essentially be selfish.

Because lets face it people, how do you love yourself if you don't even know who or what you are? And it takes time and effort to get to know a person, your own self included. So I see lots of "me time", a lot of "down time", basically all that "soul searching" and "deep down self reflection" stuff Gen Y loves.

It's high time I put myself first. It's high time I learn to love myself. It's high time I love myself before loving another (person).

If you ask me, it's high time someone claims royalties for being able to spin being selfish into a positive thing.


Oh the hypocrisy. Hypocrisy runs rampant, wouldn't you say? I myself am not impervious to it. I don't have a problem with hypocrisy in itself in small doses. What I do have a problem with, is hypocrites that are in denial.

I mean, if you're going to be an asshole hypocrite, at least have the balls to own up to it. (like me.) Amirite? Don't try to justify yourself, or explain why you are the exception to the rule. Just admit it and move on. No one's interested in your blabbering.

Christmas essentials

I can't believe it's a week till Christmas. TIME. FLIES.

I've been feeling super festive this year. Probably because I've been following vlogmas on YouTube, and I've got 3(three! can you believe it?!) literary advent calendars going on. So yes. Ever since the 1st of December, it's been Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! for me.

But, life throws pesky things like exams and stuff at you. So I haven't been able to go all out Christmassy and basically make my apartment look like an elf threw up in it (in a good way!) but things are slowly but surely coming along nicely. Emphasis on the slowly part.

Nothing gets my creative juices flowing like when my brain is procrastinating. Which is what I did today. Procrastinate. (Besides, nothing's a bigger incentive than last minute panic to really get the work done!)

Christmas essentials. TA-DAHHH! These are my personal "essentials" this year, and I'll just go through them from the bottom left corner in a clockwise direction.

Flat Lay All Day Err' Day!

Christmas jumper. It's the first one I've ever bought (yeah can you believe it?!) and I'm making everyone in my apartment wear a festive jumper for our Christmas dinner. (Because I can and so I will and so I did.) I just love the deep maroon and dark blue on this white one. Can't get over this jumper. It's festive-y but not too Christmassy so I can continue wearing it throughout winter if I want.

Pointe shoes, tickets, binoculars. Because what is December without Ballet season? (Actually it's ballet season all year round in Moscow, but there's just something a little extra special about going to the ballet at Christmastime.) Or go to the orchestra. Whatever floats your boat. Nuff' said.

My trusty old MacBookPro, because how else am I supposed to keep up with vlogmas, amirite? Plus there's all sorts of Christmas films to watch. (Side note, film rec: Arthur Christmas. Watch it. You will love it.)

Make up! 
Got some from my set of Stila brushes here, and a couple of face brushes from Real Techniques. They are amazingly wonderful to use, especially considering their price. Best. Purchase. Ever.

Got the basic powder, eyeshadow, blush, highlight, eyeliner and lipstick here, but I'd like to give a shoutout for my absolute favourite recent discoveries/products.

For cream eyeshadow/base, I cannot recommend anything but Maybelline's colour tattoos. It's so easy to apply, I just pop them on with my fingers and blend it out, dab eyeshadow on top if I'm feeling fancy, and I am good to go.

Nest up, blush. I've been really loving my Milani Baked Blushes. I've got quite a few, and I really love all the colours I own. If I'm too lazy to use highlight, I'll just slap on Luminoso or Rose d'Oro, and I swear they. give. you. cheekbone. goals.

Finally, I can't stop talking about my Rimmel 107 lipstick. It's from the collection they collaborated with Kate Moss, and it's just the most gorgeous deep, berry colour. Plus it smells yummilicious.

Perfume. These were a present from a few Christmas back (if I'm not mistaken these are from Dior), and I love these rollerball types because you can bring it along with you in a purse and just touch up whenever necessary.

Journal, Candle, Tumbler. Winter nights in Moscow are cold. Real cold. How can anyone say no to hot coffee or cocoa (or neslo) in a tumbler, candles burning (this is one of my favourite scents - Mahogany and Teakwood from Bath & Body Works) and a journal to pen your thoughts (or doodle) while you're snuggled up in a cocoon of cosy perfection?

Jewellery. I've taken to wearing multiple rings ever since I pilfered a bunch of midi rings from my sister, so I'm normally either wearing one, four, or more rings at a time.

So there you have it. Happy holidays and I'll see you on the flip side!

ponderings, musings, and basically rambling thoughts

So I just copied out some song lyrics on a piece of paper, and because I was in a mood, I decided to write it out the oldey-chinesey style(?) that being, Top to bottom, Right to left. And because of my mood, I also decided to do it in 繁体 instead of 简体, ergo the need to write it out in pencil. Because of course there were going to be mistakes and weirdly proportioned parts of unfamiliar words. ;p

Anyway, that's over and done with, but I'm left with a pencil smear along the lateral side of my right hand, something my left-handed friends are all too familiar with. Right handed people would get it too whenever we had 抄作文 homework or basically any work that involved pagefuls of words.

And it got me thinking: how in the world did our ancestors do it with ink and brush? Write such complex words with an unruly brush AND making sure those words don't smudge out as they move on. Calligraphy is hard enough when we write the sentences (or 成语s in most of our case,) Left to right, Top to bottom. And they wore robes with giant billowing sleeves. I guess that's why the left hand always supports the sleeves in movies/dramas that I've seen. (There's always some grand, swooping gesture, amirite?) But what a hassle that must be!

Then I realized it would've been easier for left-handers in that case, since "we" are working/writing the words from Top to bottom, Right to left. They wouldn't have a problem with smearing ink as they write. BUT, another thought then occurred to me. The structure of individual Chinese characters are generally written in parts, and we generally write those parts of the words from right to left then top to bottom. Left-handers would face the same problem all over again.

Why so hard, calligraphy?

But I guess the main question is, why so random, brain? Why do you always wonder about the weirdest things?

Side note, I remember a friend jokingly telling me she gets a full neck workout when she reads English and Chinese novels one after another, because her head would go side-to-side (English novel) and then work up-and-down (Chinese novels). And sometimes she just goes round and round confusing herself. Silly girl. 

Shame.

Let's talk body image issues.

I think all Chinese girls who grew up in a city in Malaysia has faced body image issues at some point in their lives.

You're never at an ideal body weight. You're always either too skinny or too fat. When I was younger, my aunts would say to me: "Have you eaten?(<- that right there is the most Chinese line ever) You should eat more, you're too skinny, it's not pretty." And then one day in my late teens it just flipped and suddenly my aunts were all telling me: "Have you put on weight recently? You look fatter, you should go on a diet."

Growing up as someone who took ballet classes, I had a surprisingly well body image. You're constantly in a room full of mirrors, wearing skin tight leotard and tights, surrounded by other (mostly) skinny girls. We'd get a lecture from our principle to drop 20pounds whenever exam period rolled around, but as long as I could get a flat tummy when I sucked it in, I was fine, I was satisfied with my body. I disliked how I was vertically, but rarely horizontally.

Fast forward a few more years, throw in living abroad on my own for the first time and take out the dance classes. This is where I was the past few years. I wouldn't say I hated my body, but I definitely disliked it. Do I get uncomfortable when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror? Most of the time? Yeah. Did I have occasional good days? Yes, but those were far and few in between.

Am I taking steps to get back to a body shape I'm more comfortable with? Yes.

Am I watching what I eat? Yes.

But, that doesn't mean I cut out eating all that I love. I allow myself indulgences and the occasional binge. But, I watch what I eat not in terms of counting calories, but because I genuinely want to lead a healthier lifestyle. That's my main goal, and if eating healthy and feeling healthy helped me drop some pounds along the way, all the better.

I don't want to crash diet and work out like crazy to quickly shed weight, only to rebound in the near future. I'd like to think that what I'm doing now is a commitment. I'd rather take the slower and longer journey to get where I want healthily and in doing so, create a lifestyle whereby I can maintain it for the long term.

It's hard to feel motivated though. A year or two (or three) ago, I hit a really low point. I was genuinely fat, and the heaviest I had ever been (59 or 60kg, I believe). I couldn't even use the excuse of muscle weighing more than fats, because by this point most of my muscles had converted to fat from disuse. My attitude at this point was basically fuck it. There's no more hope for me, I'm fat, none of my clothes fit, nothing looked good on my body, why bother with anything, why bother trying.

But somehow, I got over it.

It's a tough and uphill battle though. Your metabolism starts doing shit to your body and you refuse to accept that you're ageing and there are consequences whether you liked it or not. You actually have to consciously work hard to get something that you took for granted for years. Years.

I miss my childhood days even though I looked like a malnourished African kid. Oh to be skinny despite what you ate.

Eating is another issue, isn't it? It feels like every single female that I'm surrounding myself with (in Moscow anyway) is obsessed  with what they put into their mouths. And I'm just so sick of it because it feels so unhealthy. Essentially, by not (extreme) dieting, you're the odd one out and everyone else (passive aggressively) shames you into feeling guilty. It personally feels like a toxic environment to me and I don't like it. Unfortunately, my best friends do this, my friends do this, the people I live with do this, everyone does this.

While it is easier for me to try and stay above said toxic environment, I find it harder to avoid pettiness as a downfall. I recently saw a few pictures of friends from way back who recently had a reunion of sorts. I haven't even seen pictures of some of them in years. So imagine my surprise when I found out most of them had put on weight. I'll admit, my first reaction was glee. I felt relieved I wasn't the only one who had put on weight! And they looked like they've put on even more weight than me! It is a terrible thought to have, but that was my genuine reaction. I blame this on the body-shaming brainwash I've been living with for the past few years.

Another acquaintance of mine recently came forward to discuss the body image issues she faced and how she came to accept that she had gone into an unhealthy zone with the help of her friends and family, and how she was now working towards getting to a healthy weight. It was a great message, one we've seen all too often. Fat girl loses weight, gets to ideal weight and looks hot, gets obsessed with losing weight and veers off into unhealthy zone. I saw her pictures, and damn, she looked Hot. I'm not sure if those pictures were from her "unhealthy" period, or if there were from a more recent time when she was trying to get back to a "healthy" weight. But my main point is, I admire her for being able to accept that she was in an "unhealthy" phase (because she looked good), and it would be so much easier to just maintain said unhealthy weight because everyone would constantly gush about how they wished they had your body etc etc.

Body image played a rather small part throughout my life, but in the recent years it seems to dominate most of my life and my thinking. There have been times where I wished I had an eating disorder just because it would have made it easier for me to lose weight. Those are very toxic thoughts that developed within a few years of moderate level body image issues. Can you imagine the type of psychological damage that would have developed in a person who grew up their whole life with body image issues? Yes, there are plenty of campaigns out there encouraging a positive body image, but society as a whole needs to change it's mindset.

Because I'm sick of seeing girls who stand up for loving their bodies getting quickly shot down by guys who tell them "Yeah but guys go after girls with hot bodies, not healthy bodies or real bodies."

An evening of fangirling with Maksim & Nikola.

Tonight was mind blowing. It was amazing. It was an assault on my senses. I. Died. And it was awesome.

So the girls and I went for a Фортепианный Концерт at the ММДМ. Basically it was a piano concert in two parts. Никола Мельников(Nikola Melnikov) in the first part of the program, followed by Maksim. Yes, That Maksim. THE MAKSIM. (Even my mom was jealous when she heard about this, LOL.)

To be honest, I was there for Maksim. I didn't know who the other dude was, and by reading the program booklet, I found out he was doing a presentation of his album, #22. Zi tells me he's a rather famous and popular Russian pianist, but frankly speaking, I wasn't expecting too much.

Boy was I in for a shock.

Nikola was amazing. The first song, 635, didn't exactly blow my mind away, but his second song, Inception, was my favourite piece. The third song, Delicatesse, was a complete audio-visual experience for me. I literally had visions in my head, scenes unfolding and images flashing by as he played. I've never experienced something like that, ever. What he had evoked via his music was so strong, I felt utterly compelled to pull out my pen and jot down notations in my program booklet. It was a frenzy. So basically I was scribbling away furiously whenever he paused between pieces, trying to cram my words into the tiny space and jot down what I felt with each song, or what my interpretation was for each piece.

Some pieces were very moving, some were visual, some created stories in my head. But not everything was deep. One piece merely had two words commented beside it: Them fingers! Because seriously, I know he's a pro and all, but his fingers are so light and precise and controlled. No lazy notes, no rushed notes - Zi commented that it felt as though he was "caressing the piano". She's right. He was caressing the piano while creating the most amazing sounds without compromising technique or quality.

The last song on his program(barring the encore) was Together We Are and this was my second favourite piece because of how complex yet intricate it was.

All too soon, it was time for intermission. They made an announcement in Russian, and I immediately got excited because if my Ruskii boleh pakai, i.e. if my comprehension of the Russian language was accurate and correct, there would be an autograph session at the end of it all. Unfortunately, Zi, Elise and YX basically tuned out the announcement because it was in Russian so I couldn't double check with anyone if what I heard was true. Guess we just had to wait for the end of the show to find out. (We were tentatively excited anyway.)

Part two. Maksim.

Let me just say he looks super leng zai in the program book. Totally my type. He came on stage, and I kinda had a brain-melt moment. He was so HOT. And superrrr tall. Like, I've seen his MVs, but I never expected him to be so tall.

His first piece was Nostradamus. The whole hall was silent throughout his first performance, probably because we all just kinda died and went to heaven. From the get go, Maksim grabs you by the heart and blows everything clear out of the water. He is a Performer. With a capital P. He is in your face. Loud, confident, melodramatic. I was equally torn throughout the first piece. Because on the one hand, I wanted to kiss him for the ear orgasm. But on the other hand, I also wanted to slap him because I beh tahan him. He bermacam-macam sangat. Pattern-pattern sangat. He is a Drama Queen. And we love him for it. His performances stand out for that very reason.

I was constantly at the edge of my seat throughout his whole program. I didn't dare to move, I couldn't breathe until he paused. He's so dramatic and amazing. His facial expressions are to die for. I cannot reiterate enough that he. is. a. Performer. He belongs on the stage, he's at home when he's in the spotlight. I'm really impressed by the coordination of the accompaniment too, especially when he cues for the track to be played, but the accompaniment parts only join in somewhere in the middle of the piece. Their timing and precision is quite a feat!

For his encore piece, he played the cartoon theme song from Sonic the Hedgehog. I would willingly watch him perform this over and over again because his facial expressions are absolutely priceless. You know how some musicians feel their music? Maksim feels the music and plays with it too. There's a very playful banter sort of energy throughout his performances.

After the performance, we filed out and collected our coats. After a round of taking pictures, as seen here,

And here,

We got in line for the autograph session. I was mildly panicking at this point, because my program had scribbles on Nikola's page. And then Maksim walked by and we were like EFFFFF He's so damn tall. Like seriously tall. (Side note: he looks a lot older than I expected. Like I know his debut was more than 10 years ago, but I wasn't expecting him to age quite that much. Still hot though. And his eyes. So Blue. OMG. *fans self*)

We finally got to the table, and Maksim signed my program, then it was on to Nikola next to him.

I handed him my booklet, and Nikola picked up his pen.
Then he paused.
I mentally cringed as he tilted his head and signed my program. And then he squinted at my scribbles, looked at me (he's like really young and cute), then asked, "Are these your notes?"

Ahhhhhhh.

I was equal parts mortified and fangirling at the same time. Because. Hellooo. Like. He just gave an amazing performance. And he saw my notes. And asked after it.

So obviously I word vomited on the spot. Blabbering on about how I couldn't help it because he was just so amazing. Basically I went straight to fangirl heaven. He was such a great sport about it.

I ran away after that and met up with the girls, reliving my embarrassment and fangirling over and over again.

After the crowd kinda thinned and the line disappeared, we headed back to try and get a group photo. YX gets all the credit here. She handed my phone to a lady who had a DSLR so we'd have someone who knew how to take pictures for us. Then, she caught Nikola's attention, who then got Maksim, and we quickly got into place for our photo.

The crowd literally parted for us in a semicircle. So that was pretty awesome. The four of us girls stood in front with the two pianists in the back.

So none of us girls are particularly tall. So we're used to standing in the front for pictures. And like all considerate people, we're used to checking behind us to ensure we weren't blocking anyone's faces. Elise and I ended up in the centre, and we both turned back at the same time. All I saw were buttons. I looked up. Where I had expected a head, were Maksim's chest and shoulders. I looked even higher, and Maksim was staring down at us (both Elise and I looked up at him at the same time. It was a funny coincidence) and he had a peculiar expression on his face. I think it was amusement? Because he was literally LOOMING over us. Both Elise and I immediately turned around and looked at the ground while trying to control our laughter. Did I mention most of us were already wearing wedges? Didn't help with the height issue at all. Anyway, we got our pictures. :D

As you can see, Nikola was a head taller than all of us. Maksim is almost comically two whole heads taller than me.

So there. My first real celebrity autograph and picture. (And by real celebrity, I mean a celeb I'm genuinely excited to meet. Sorry Nic Teo and Lin Yu Zhong and Juwita etc.)